The feeling of "Blue" lately...

~~~These past several days have been a struggle and I am not quite sure why, I have felt great! My health is getting better with regard to my Ulcerative Colitis, Gastroparesthesis and Hypothyroidism, oh and not to forget lovely Celiac Disease . NOT GOOD per Dr's but pretty darn ok by my standards. So why do I feel sad, lost, and lonely? Let me step back a bit and fill in some gaps, I have a renewed vigor for church, learning God's word and following his plan for me even when I may not agree or feel it right. I obey and do as I feel I should, I have stopped the work gossip which was a hard one becaise I work primarily with women who are chatty to say the least! YOWZA! I focus 110% on work when I am there, I do not let ANY health/child/family stuff get in the way of that. In the past I was not always that strong in that regard, I had a tendancy to let the little things nag at me. No more of that! I continue to have to prove myself at work which is EXHAUSTING, I must say my boss is a wonderful man but he has "reservations" in my abilites at work because I have so much on my plate as he puts it. My answer to him this past Thursday was yes sir I sure do but I do my best, trudge on and have not made any mistakes thus far. He also states he worries how he speaks to me for fear of hurting my feelings, when did I become such a spineless ninny in some people's opinions? I mean seriously people, I joined the Air Force young, have accomplished many many goals, am a single mom to essentially triplets and yet people still worry about "hurting my feelings"...Well crap! That is my answer to that, what else can I do to show people I am not a baby or a ninny and can handle feedback and sometimes it is negative but we grow as a result of that and all experiances. I am a grown women of 32 yet people have been handling me with kid gloves since I returned back to work nearly 8 weeks ago, how frustrating this feeling is..Not to mention the people I called friend where the ones making fun of me while I was laying in a hospital bed and then recovering at home, saying mean things like I should not have won all those awards as I am not worthy of them for being gone. Sadly I took most of these awards home because I felt sad that people would say that. Despite a few precious people at work I have been all business with everyone else, people ask me how I feel my standard answer is "Great thank you!" and I leave it at that... Yet as always I digress...I got more awesosme(NOT!!!) health news yesterday, have been feeling poor me for 24 hours and am now done with that also. Just another ailment to add to the mix which will be with me for the rest of my life. Yet I trudge on! I miss the days of friends and family being near, I am lonely for times past...I am lonely for my marriage, my kids having their dad home instead of them chatting with a computer screen and kissing and hugging it(Him) which is heartbreaking to watch let me tell you. I got an email from Head Quarters Air Force on Friday stating while they understand why we asked for Jason to come home they stated my health issues could be managed alone and without help if I continue my medication regime. And finally that although our needs are valid they are NOT the needs of the Air Force which I get but still hurt deep down to read. When you join a military service like the Air Force you agree to support and defend no matter what, to include family/life stuff happening. You agree to put everything second and so on, so I guess that was another reason I felt and have been feeling down. That although they see my need for help it is a "TOO BAD SOOOO SAD" situation...Oh well... I guess I will pull myself up by my boot straps so to speak, continue to be the best mommy, student, worker, etc I can be! I will continue to give nothing less than 110% and do my PERSONAL best. I am going to hit the gym this evening for some yoga and tomorrow a run on the dreadmill(treadmill) as my gym has daycare and I cannot run with 3 kiddos in tow outside. Maybe swimming after that for the kids and myself as it is supposed to be a whopping 93 degrees tomorrow with no rain, right now though it is cloudy and raining...Love these types of afternoons. I also put the kids in something called "The little gym"...They start next saturday, it is pricey but seems awesome! They do tumbling and exercise time, I am so excited for them! Pictures will follow of course but for now I will close. To my readers, heck if I even have any may you all have a nice day! ~S <3